I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I triple waxed for this?
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Stop correcting my vodkabulary