Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.