Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Happy weekend !
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry