FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
$3 #books
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom