Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
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Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
*puts words between two asterisks*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
technically true but not a great slogan
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
some Old Testament wisdom
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness