Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
True
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM