DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
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neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
My birthstone is kidney
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year