Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
You Might Also Like
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
good work, everybody
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
#ProTip
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
scares
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.