I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
don’t be scared
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb