Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!

ME: Can I get a–

OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!