‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
yea so i messed up lol
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for