Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
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Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
podcasts
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.