Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
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Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
People buying plungers never look happy.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?