Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Ion see the issue
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”