@murrman5

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

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@Heartblakekid15

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

@FrilentMusic

“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*

@cravin4

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

@TheBoydP

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

@Vice_Queen

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

@TimODee16

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

@Cpin42

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

@MoistPork

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.