@Heartblakekid15 My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
@murrman5 *walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
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@Heartblakekid15 
@FrilentMusic “Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
@cravin4 There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
@TheBoydP Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
@missekay Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
@Vice_Queen Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
@TimODee16 Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
@Cpin42 Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
@lakeanagirl How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
@MoistPork Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.