*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
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[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Nothing to do, you say?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.