I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
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Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Ain’t no way
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
who wore it better?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone