Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
You Might Also Like
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Van Gone
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I know karate and tons of other words.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.