If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
You Might Also Like
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Is your wife single?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Breaking news:
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced