I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
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H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body