– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!