I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
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This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I wanna be friends with this person
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.