*weighs self after shaving
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I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.