I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus