Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)