How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
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Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Very problematic
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now