3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
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I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Best seat on the street 😍
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia