You Might Also Like
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school