[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.