Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
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Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
[eats all your cotton candy]
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
ibopfufen
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.