Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!