me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
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commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.