I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
new record!
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July