Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
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If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
the rocks need my help
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!