[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
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Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.