The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.