Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
You Might Also Like
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
From Facebook just now…
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.