My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*