*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
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“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
So that’s what we looked like?
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?