I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
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[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.