how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.