Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Breaking news:
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
The devil.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you