My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Shoo shoo! 😂
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
HERE’S MARKY
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”