Shoo shoo! 😂
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THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
anyone else like Italian cereal
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Kids, do not try this at home!
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Name this drama.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)