I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
For those that worship cheese..