I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
New comic up. “Ransom”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”