ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
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me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.