[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
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I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Tastes like chicken.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Before & after 😅
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.