Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
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Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.