[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
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My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward