My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
You Might Also Like
There are usually two types of merchants.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go